I’ve done a lot of strange and curious things in the name of Alice In Chains over the years, but yesterday in Irving was a first for me.
First of all, let me say that it was a scientific experiment.
Secondly, it was mixed with a healthy dose of stupidity.
The experiment was to ascertain what kind of a warning system a rental vehicle we’d gotten for Jerry had.
Most current vehicles have warning systems installed in them that beep when you drift out of your lane, or when a car cuts you off, etc…
However, some vehicles have a warning where the driver’s seat actually vibrates when something is about to go wrong.
Jerry Cantrell hates this.
Since we weren’t sure what type of warning system our rental SUV had, we needed to find out.
And as the official Alice In Chains guinea pig, I was chosen to potentially sacrifice my life in order to keep Jerry from experiencing the discomfort of a vibrating seat.
So, in the middle of a driving rainstorm, I went out to the parking lot with our tour manager.
He climbed into the driver’s seat while I stood like a moron in the pouring rain.
He pulled out his phone to record the experiment on video, and I continued to stand like a moron in the pouring rain.
He fired up the SUV and started driving, and I ran alongside the vehicle like a moron, slowly getting drenched while waiting to risk my life.
Then the experiment really kicked into gear, as I sped up to a near sprint and veered into the path of the SUV.
Fortunately our tour manager is blessed with catlike swiftness, and he slowed down before he could hit me.
Meanwhile, my old high school athlete skills kicked in, and I sprinted like a gazelle in front of the moving vehicle and quickly back out of harm’s way.
I’m sure it was quite a sight for the security guards posted up in the parking lot; watching a soaking wet middle aged bald dude running in front of a moving vehicle on purpose, but it had to be done.
Thankfully the experiment was a two-tiered success.
I wasn’t hit by an automobile in the parking lot before the show, and more importantly, the SUV beeped when I ran in front of it, meaning that we could turn over the keys to Jerry without any worries.
This is indicative of the little things that go on behind the scenes in Aliceville.
Stupid crap that occurs on a daily basis in order to ensure that your heroes are able to go about their day as stress free as possible.
Fortunately, vehicular bald-icide isn’t a risk everyday, but some days it’s just a potential byproduct of the job.