First of all, just for fun, here’s ancient story from 25
years ago to set the stage for today’s topic.
The band was opening for Van Halen in November of 1991, and
we had worked our way across Canada from the east coast to the west coast.
Vancouver was our last stop in Canada before we hopped back
over the border to play in Seattle.
It was an hour or two before showtime and the band members
had somehow put their heads together and come up with a plan.
Everyone would pool all of their remaining Canadian money
and use it to make a giant purchase before we crossed the border.
Was the plan to buy food?
Canadian 222 aspirin that are illegal in the States?
Nope, the geniuses in Alice In Chains decided to pool their
Canadian money and send me out before the show to spend it all on pornography.
Part of the fun for them was in knowing how badly I didn’t
want to do it, and how much it would make me squirm.
But ultimately I did it.
I returned to the venue with two bags full of movies and
magazines, and the scene on the bus after the show was like Christmas morning.
(If Christmas morning was taking place in a home for morally
bankrupt wayward boys)
It’s an attention grabber.
Unfortunately for those of you out there who experienced an
increase in your blood pressure upon reading that word, calm down.
I think my Mom still reads this crap from time to time, so
this will remain a clean examination of the topic.
Basically what happened was the subject somehow came up in
the production office.
(I blame it on the crew guys who were there at the time).
Then the topic veered into how someone needs to make a porno
based around our industry.
Then I piped in with old game where you come up with your
porn name by combining the name of your first pet with the name of the street
you grew up on.
And suddenly, just like that, we had a subject, we had a
title, and we had stars.
The title (which is clever and witty and filthy and
inappropriate) will remain under wraps for now, but thanks to the name game, I
can proudly announce that I was voted to star in it, along with our production
coordinator, who is also the only female on our touring crew.
So coming soon to an internet near you, *******, starring
Midnight Cleveland and Fifi Woodlawn.
But wait, there’s more!
Mike Inez bravely jumped in the fray, and suddenly there was
another star added to the film, because when Sylvester Miltonwood is available,
you jump at the chance to work with him.
This is what I like to call degenerative progress.
Going from a simple plan to purchase filth in 1991 to a brainstorming
session to write and film our own smut in 2016.
This is known as the American Dream.
A decadent, immoral, perverted dream, but a dream nonetheless.